I tend to take notes while I watch movies. Then, I transcribe those notes here when I’m done. I recently watched Star Wars: The Last Jedi, so here it is. Text is what what written, information in [[double brackets]] are after-the-fact notes.
The Last Jedi
Between black listing and just punching out of internet conversations where it came up, the backlash I’ve seen against The Last Jedi has been muted and undirected. Some of the socially aware folks I follow are discontent and the folks who’d call them “SJWs” who occasionally float across my dash also seem unhappy, but with a duller focus than I usually see from them.
People have even dredged through and compiled Mark Hamill interviews with a fervor that either represents their moral outrage or an equally strong desire to get Mark Hamill fired from Star Wars forever, the dicks.
Anyway, the pre-movie ads are still up so I’ll fill some more time. [[TLJ apparently thought it assert its dominance over me in the ‘filling time’ competition]]
I’m watching the AVX version or the BMX version. Whatever bullshit theater upgrade they only put in two theaters so they can charge $2 extra to folks who couldn’t make the earlier show because their car was acting up. Whatever. It’s just $2 [[And my car barely started when I left, so that’s a win]].
But seriously, how much bass does the “silence your cell phones” PSA need?
Fuck man, the lights literally just went down and this bitch in front of me immediately pulled up Facebook on their fucking phone.
-Some kind of…Wallace and Gromit-shaped caveman movie. Ugh. “Early Man.” Just watch Mitchell and Webb’s Bronze is Brilliant sketch instead.
-CGI movie. No. Movie with CGI robot. With Christoph Waltz. Robert Rodriguez. ALITA, eh? Seems generic chosen one, but the chosen one is a robot. Seems promising, but probably dis—oooh, “Battle Angel.” Is this anime?
-Hey, Chris Pratt being a reluctant action hero. I guess this is 2018’s “A Movie Starring Chris Pratt.” Oh, it’s more Jurassic Park. “Protect the dinosaurs or leave them to die?” Die, motherfuckers. DIE. Let the dinosaurs die. Looks like a movie that presses the reset button on a franchise that’s got exactly two story beats: “There’s dinosaurs” and “The dinosaurs are loose.”
-A Wrinkle in Time. I mean do the trippyness and high concept save it from being a special-teen-wades-through-bullshit-science-to-save-the-city/country/world/universe movie? I don’t know. I don’t remember anything about the book. It looks interesting.
-Infinity War. You can’t do all of these people and do them justice. But the mission statement is stirring and revealing. Thanos, who is obviously not in his final form yet, is hooking. It hooks. It’s gonna suck to see Tony die, but I hope it’s good. Hope it’s better than Civil War. Or at least Avengers. Or, bare minimum, Avengers II.
There’s no time jump here, but we’re still getting a crawl. I guess it covers the background stuff that happened as a consequence of the last movie. It works.
Geez, foreshadow much, end of the second paragraph? It’s doubtful he’s gonna restore hope here guys.
3rd paragraph…um, isn’t this exactly how Empire STARTED?
Brave choice, having the first spoken words of the film performed with no directing or acting.
So…no subtlety in any of this, huh, Hux?
“Rebel scum.” Good stuff. I’m glad that—Hux. Seriously. Read one history book!
[[Glad this movie wound itself up too tight here so that Poe could deflate it a bit.]]
“Take out that last canon or our bombers are toast.” There’s a phrase for this, where the dialog has to lay out a set of childishly absolutist stakes for the drooling audience members.
That periscope guy on the dreadnought is from…something!!!
Not Porkins Junior!
Are there…other…imperial ships here? Like, a second one? Like, the ships they were going to destroy the rebel fleet with?
So the resistance is terrible at deploying fucking bombers. Just bad. Like ‘fails basic tactical doctrine’ bad. If your bombers can chain explode, spread them the fuck out.
Aw, is Hux sad? Maybe Huxxy-poo should have done anything with his own massive fuck-you spaceship while his dreadnought got destroyed!
Wait. Was Finn injured at the end of the last movie? Can’t honestly recall.
Luke’s hand looks seriously great. [[This movie has some dodgy CGI in places, but that hand is amazing.]]
I didn’t really expect a whole, “You can’t park your ship there,” bit, but it was close.
Underwater X-Wing. Guys, I was kidding about the tides.
Supreme Leader, you’re…monologing.
Did he just cop to manipulating Kylo Ren in front of Kylo Ren? If he was talking about Hux…Hux’s only weakness is that he’s only slightly more competent than Kylo Ren?
Is Kylo Ren going full Zuko?
We went from “needs help” to “needs new Jedi Order.” It’s just, “Luke do something man.”
So he did make this into a Jedi Training camp? [[He did not. Miyagi he’s not.]]
Nice. Just a little alien in the background. That’s all you nee–
Now we’re milking an alien teat for milk. K. [[Props for successfully making island life unromantic.]]
…you made this weird, Luke.
I was never interested in who Rey was, but I guess it’s a plot point now?
“Why am I here, in particular Luke? I kicked Kylo Ren’s ass on the Death Star III.”
Luke. Seriously. You cannot make things worse.
All that milk, when taken with their sibling bond, explains why Leia hasn’t added creamer to her coffee in 20 years.
The scale of the battle here is ridiculous. This shit…it all just happens a lot. Who gives a fuck? Everyone is an idiot who’s just learning as they go.
And Leia is the worst because she should already know this stuff.
Whelp, Leia is dead.
Hux, with the big questions? [[“How do they keep getting away from us?”]]
OMG, HUX. Warp ahead and pen them in. DESTROY THEM YOU COMPLACENT UNION COMMANDER FROM THE FIRST HALF OF THE CIVIL WAR!
I’M ALREADY YELLING BUT IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME GODDAMN IT. JESUS FUCK WHAT TOOK YOU ASSES SO LONG? GAAAAAAAAAWD! [[RE: Leia NOT being dead]]
Those dice weren’t in anything before this movie, were they?
Who is this new resistance leader? So she’s evil, Poe has to take over…do we have a plan? [[Poe asked that, like, ten seconds after I wrote it]]
She’s great. I like her. Admiral H is like the Jellico of Star Wars.
Aw, her sister was the bomber pilot lady. Awww. Good to meet you Rose. [[Despite being a technician who keeps starships flying, Rose’s function within the plot was apparently to sink every ship.]]
“Find the master code breaker.” More of that thing where people say the plot for us dummies in the audience.
The fish people are a little much.
“’If the Jedi dies the light dies’ is vanity.” Yes. Yeeeeeeeees. Yes.
The Porglem with Porgs.
The Porble with Porgles?
The Porblem with Porgs. [[I was workshopping “The Trouble with Tribbles” but with porgs instead.]]
Rey: “You’re a monster.”
Kylo Ren: “I am.”
Alright. Someone has to say it. “FHLOSTON PARADIIISE!”
Nice remix of the cantina song and a good inversion of Mos Eisley.
I LOLed at BB-8 being a slot machine. Well done. You got me.
Wow, the seedy side of casino world is not compelling.
This Luke story is 100% what I expected.
You might fuck up, Luke, but it’s way worse if you do literally nothing.
“Where are you guys?” followed by a cut. Wow, a bit on-the-nose, isn’t it?
He’s Benecio Del Toro, so you…should…y’know…probably hire him.
Are these the dogs from The Last Guardian? They look like the dogs from The Last Guardian. Finn! Throw barrels at them and see if they eat them.
What the hell even is this action sequence?
Oh I know; this—at long last—is podracing.
How did the last guardian dogs know how to take cover? How did they move together? Why were they cool with Finn? Why did they run through walls and windows?
Oh my god, don’t you two DARE dangle from that cliff!
Jesus, this is so bullshit. We don’t care about casino planet and their stupid off-screen warcrimes and their Disney-villain animal cruelty. And their weird, indirect, economic crimes. JFC.
That’s some of the best coma acting I’ve ever seen!
Is this Reylo scene with the hand-touching. Is it…layered…or unclear? [[Probably neither]]
Whelp. She left Luke. Enjoy that, I guess?
This is such a weird, pointless conversation with Yoda. [[Seriously, can you people not write a character moment without a muppet?!]]
I mean, it’s apropos of nothing.
Yoda is a potent ghost.
Yoda, you are an untimely ghost. “Why am I here? Crashed, my casino just was.”
Wow, um, why are you making General Helo incompetent?
It feels like we’re hitting a climax, but I was promised ice foxes and red sand.
I was specifically promised ice foxes and red sand.
Everything is kind of pointlessly bigger than before. [[See: Red Queen Hypothesis]]
Rey, honey. This was a bad plan.
The green lines guy!!! [[That guy I recognized from the first sequence. He’s in The Expert. He’s the expert! His name is Orion Lee.]]
How is this general so shit?
The bit with BDT giving the necklace back is so unearned.
Redemption for Star Wars’ Jellico.
Bruh, Supreme Leader—can I call y’a “SL”–Skywalker isn’t worth it.
It’s always, “complete your training” with this guy. Geez.
What? Snoke knows Ren is a lil’ bitch, right?
Well, we don’t know who Snoke is, but we know who they were.
Bye, Felicia. [[I guess I wrote this]]
I’m not 100% sure which parts of their armor are lightsaber proof and which ones aren’t, but it feels like I’m commenting cause I hafta.
Damn, Kylo. I mean…damn son.
Kylo, you had a lot of potential. You could have been anything. Except a therapist. Maybe drop truth bombs with a bit more tact, buddy. Any tact.
Admiral Holda could have done this before there were just 4 transports left, but whatever.
I never thought I’d see Star Wars rip off anime, but here we are and it’s a glorious visual.
BB-8 on an AT-AT takes the punch out of this a bit, but it still works.
Kylo Ren, you’ll never be a good supreme leader if you’re a little bitch.
*Guys in trenches* Leia: I vaguely recall…seeing footage somewhere…of something exactly like this…that leads me to conclude…this isn’t going to work.
I guess this tech is a fighter now because she just went from “face in the crowd” to the face they copy with CGI to make it look like there’s a crowd.
A second use of red to cover blood. It’s very nice.
Kylo ain’t exactly crushing Day One as supreme Leader, is he?
Dis music tho!
Porg shows how you do cute sidekicks.
Is Hux Kylo Ren’s competence translator? [[J/K none of these people are competent.]]
Worst part is if your skimmer crashes and you don’t die, then THE SALT.
“Save what we love”…what?
Y’all don’t have to advance…just shoot the Death Star Gun into the mountain until there’s no mountain left.
Aw, the galaxy has lost hope, you guys. I’m gonna seriously hurl if I hear the word “hope” one more goddamn time.
If there’s only one way in, how did Luke get here?
BECAUSE HE’S BATMAN
I mean, BECAUSE HE’S THE JOKER!
Er, well, good enough, anyway.
“No one’s ever really gone…” I mean that’s some IRL layering. Damn.
Dat music tho.
Figured they’d kill one member of the classic cast per movie.
Sundown. Nice. Not original, but effective.
Kylo read up on the Evil Overlord list, I see. Neither chivalrous nor sporting.
Seems like Luke should just blow up the power source on that shuttle.
Luke, you gotta use the mind games. Get in this kid’s head. That’s his glowing red weak spot.
It is just rocks guys. Like, cell-shaded rocks you you know are gonna move. Do they not have Scooby Doo in a galaxy far, far away?
Luke’s fighting stance is so hunched and cagey. Is that from the first movie? Is this is Crowning Moment of Awesome?
Luke can’t die because he just learned a valuable lesson about teaching Rey shit, right?
Also; CGI rocks.
Aaaaaaaaagh! Motherfucking OWNED!
I still don’t think those dice are from anything.
“He died, but what he felt wasn’t sadness.” I hate it when characters tell me how to feel! It makes me so…angry!
Leia I swear to god, don’t say “hope.”
Don’t say hope
Don’t say hope
Don’t say hope.
Yes, Leia, you have everything you need right here. Thanks.
WHAT IS UP WITH THE DECODER RINGS!? I’M SO IN THE WEEDS WITH THE DECODER RINGS!!! [[Do the rebels have a merch store or what?]]