MTG

All posts tagged MTG

Rulah: Watch your sword, Bria! Gahncai, what’s your religion?

Gahncai: Now?

Rulah: Sure.

Goblin: Shah!

Rulah: Hrf.

Goblin’s spear: SHATTER!

Rulah: Why not?

Gahncai: I don’t do religion. You?

Rulah: The Strongpeople believe in feeding, fucking, and fighting. But, y’know, with horses.

Gahncai: …

Bria: …

Rulah: We fight alongside horses.

Bria: No judgment. Horses are delicious.

Gahncai: I love ‘em.

Rulah: Where should I put down Ularon?

Gahncai: Uh…butchers table?

Rulah: No, too much viscera. Is that a pooping corner?

Gahncai: Yeah. Sacrificial altar?

Rulah: More viscera. Do goblins just sit, ever?

Gahncai: There. That filthy corner is the least filthy.

Rulah: Bria! Fall back!
Rulah: Goblin gods, huh?
Gahncai: They look like most primitive gods; food fucking, and fighting.
Bria: Ugh! 
Goblin: Skree! 
Bria: Primitive gods? In the Free Kingdom of Bria’s Hold, we have a proper religion which encourages utter services to the undead aristocracy.
Rulah: And your role is…?
Bria: Pontiff Immortus.

Rulah: I’ve got Ularon! Gahncai, we’re coming in! How’s the room?
Gahncai: Temple. Masterwork statues. Otherwise secure.
Rulah: Except for the door.
Gahncai: You told me to bust the door down.
Rulah: I had the idea that it’d be busted in such a way that it wouldn’t stop us, but it would stop a horde of goblins.
Gahncai: Well, it’s busted so the winners can eat the losers and then pick their teeth.
Bria: I’m not eating goblins!

Ularon: It’s important to feel their—
Rulah: Hrah! Busy punching, Teacher. Hrah!
Goblin: Skreee!
Ularon: As am I. The Drophan-Bo technique combines one’s mind and body with the timing and mindset of the enemy and—
Goblin: GOBLIN CATAPULT!
Ularon: pfurgh!
Rulah: Ularon?
Goblin: Shah!
Rulah: Fire fist!
Goblin: Skreee!

Rulah: Gahncai, open this door. We can defend this room better than the hallway!

Ularon: I could be a trap-

Bria: I’ve got the rear. Ularon and Rulah, get the front.

Ularon: But what if-

Gahncai: The statues in here have gemstones!

Ularon: Those are definitely warded!

Gemstone: ZZzzzap!

Gahncai: The stones were warded!

THE PRESENT

Rulah: Are you all seriously in on this bet?

Bria: It’s fun! And it’s always a good idea to keep a low profile.

Gahncai: Besides, I don’t need spells to smell those goblins behind us.

Ularon: *hrmph* I don’t need spells to know the goblins are actually hiding in the darkness ahead.

Rulah: Do you two need a spell to tell you we’ve been flanked by goblins?

Last week I wrote about Keyforge and its intriguing attempt to “fix” Magic. I want it to succeed, but it won’t. Nothing will ever supplant Magic as the grindy, pay-to-win king of the CCG genre. It’s got too much market share and the pay-to-win stuff is a feature, not a bug, for the most committed players. There are ways to create something better than Magic though.

I’m committed to Dead Parents Dungeon right now—

—shut up, I am—

—and even though I’m too lazy to do any actual work on it, I take that commitment seriously enough that I’m not getting into it too deeply.

Only a little bit.

Electronic

Ideally, it’d be electronic. A lot of the bitch is based on real, physical cards, so why electronic? Electronic cards can be changed. A card that costs 5 to play today can cost 4 tomorrow. Imagine grouping cards by seasons and shifting their power up or down four times a year (if by some unlikely chance a Magic developer is reading this, you’ll have to imagine it with a lot of aspirin). Is this card valuable now? No. But it could be.

Good ol’ Lightning Bolt

Magic believes in bad cards. I believe in cards that are good in certain contexts; Lightning Bolt is a solid card when your opponent starts with twenty life and you can put 4 of them into a 60-card deck. In Commander, when your opponent starts with forty life and you have 1 Lightning Bolt in 99 cards, it’s garbage.

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