Rulah: Watch your sword, Bria! Gahncai,
what’s your religion?
Goblin’s spear: SHATTER!
Rulah: Why not?
Gahncai: I don’t do religion. You?
Rulah: The Strongpeople believe in feeding, fucking, and fighting. But, y’know, with horses.
Rulah: We fight alongside horses.
Bria: No judgment. Horses are delicious.
Gahncai: I love ‘em.
Rulah: Where should I put down Ularon?
Gahncai: Uh…butchers table?
Rulah: No, too much viscera. Is that a pooping corner?
Gahncai: Yeah. Sacrificial altar?
Rulah: More viscera. Do goblins just sit, ever?
Gahncai: There. That filthy corner is the least filthy.
Rulah: Bria! Fall back!
Rulah: Goblin gods, huh?
Gahncai: They look like most primitive gods; food fucking, and fighting.
Bria: Primitive gods? In the Free Kingdom of Bria’s Hold, we have a proper religion which encourages utter services to the undead aristocracy.
Rulah: And your role is…?
Bria: Pontiff Immortus.
Rulah: I’ve got Ularon! Gahncai, we’re coming in! How’s the room?
Gahncai: Temple. Masterwork statues. Otherwise secure.
Rulah: Except for the door.
Gahncai: You told me to bust the door down.
Rulah: I had the idea that it’d be busted in such a way that it wouldn’t stop us, but it would stop a horde of goblins.
Gahncai: Well, it’s busted so the winners can eat the losers and then pick their teeth.
Bria: I’m not eating goblins!
Rulah: You little—
Rulah: Wow. Alright. Bria! Ularon is down and we’ve got a pit trap in front of us!
Bria: Regular, spikes, or acid?
Rulah: Gimme a sec.
Bottom of the Pit: Splurk!
Ularon: It’s important to feel their—
Rulah: Hrah! Busy punching, Teacher. Hrah!
Ularon: As am I. The Drophan-Bo technique combines one’s mind and body with the timing and mindset of the enemy and—
Goblin: GOBLIN CATAPULT!
Rulah: Fire fist!
Gahncai: Room’s clear!
Rulah: Teacher, may I use fire?
Ulraon: You may proceed in any way you wish, but I would pray you exercise the realms of the mind—
*crossbow bolt passes between them*
Rulah: So, ‘no’ then.
Rulah: Gahncai, open this door. We can defend this room better than the hallway!
Ularon: I could be a trap-
Bria: I’ve got the rear. Ularon and Rulah, get the front.
Ularon: But what if-
Gahncai: The statues in here have gemstones!
Ularon: Those are definitely warded!
Gahncai: The stones were warded!
Rulah: Are you all seriously in on this bet?
Bria: It’s fun! And it’s always a good idea to keep a low profile.
Gahncai: Besides, I don’t need spells to smell those goblins behind us.
Ularon: *hrmph* I don’t need spells to know the goblins are actually hiding in the darkness ahead.
Rulah: Do you two need a spell to tell you we’ve been flanked by goblins?
Last week I wrote about Keyforge and its intriguing attempt to “fix” Magic. I want it to succeed, but it won’t. Nothing will ever supplant Magic as the grindy, pay-to-win king of the CCG genre. It’s got too much market share and the pay-to-win stuff is a feature, not a bug, for the most committed players. There are ways to create something better than Magic though.
I’m committed to Dead Parents Dungeon right now—
—shut up, I am—
—and even though I’m too lazy to do any actual work on it, I take that commitment seriously enough that I’m not getting into it too deeply.
Only a little bit.
Ideally, it’d be electronic. A lot of the bitch is based on real, physical cards, so why electronic? Electronic cards can be changed. A card that costs 5 to play today can cost 4 tomorrow. Imagine grouping cards by seasons and shifting their power up or down four times a year (if by some unlikely chance a Magic developer is reading this, you’ll have to imagine it with a lot of aspirin). Is this card valuable now? No. But it could be.
Good ol’ Lightning Bolt
Magic believes in bad cards. I believe in cards that are good in certain contexts; Lightning Bolt is a solid card when your opponent starts with twenty life and you can put 4 of them into a 60-card deck. In Commander, when your opponent starts with forty life and you have 1 Lightning Bolt in 99 cards, it’s garbage.