Rulah: Where should I put down Ularon?
Gahncai: Uh…butchers table?
Rulah: No, too much viscera. Is that a pooping corner?
Gahncai: Yeah. Sacrificial altar?
Rulah: More viscera. Do goblins just sit, ever?
Gahncai: There. That filthy corner is the least filthy.
Rulah: Bria! Fall back!
Rulah: Goblin gods, huh?
Gahncai: They look like most primitive gods; food fucking, and fighting.
Bria: Primitive gods? In the Free Kingdom of Bria’s Hold, we have a proper religion which encourages utter services to the undead aristocracy.
Rulah: And your role is…?
Bria: Pontiff Immortus.
Rulah: I’ve got Ularon! Gahncai, we’re coming in! How’s the room?
Gahncai: Temple. Masterwork statues. Otherwise secure.
Rulah: Except for the door.
Gahncai: You told me to bust the door down.
Rulah: I had the idea that it’d be busted in such a way that it wouldn’t stop us, but it would stop a horde of goblins.
Gahncai: Well, it’s busted so the winners can eat the losers and then pick their teeth.
Bria: I’m not eating goblins!
Rulah: You little—
Rulah: Wow. Alright. Bria! Ularon is down and we’ve got a pit trap in front of us!
Bria: Regular, spikes, or acid?
Rulah: Gimme a sec.
Bottom of the Pit: Splurk!
Ularon: It’s important to feel their—
Rulah: Hrah! Busy punching, Teacher. Hrah!
Ularon: As am I. The Drophan-Bo technique combines one’s mind and body with the timing and mindset of the enemy and—
Goblin: GOBLIN CATAPULT!
Rulah: Fire fist!
Gahncai: Room’s clear!
Rulah: Teacher, may I use fire?
Ulraon: You may proceed in any way you wish, but I would pray you exercise the realms of the mind—
*crossbow bolt passes between them*
Rulah: So, ‘no’ then.
Rulah: Gahncai, open this door. We can defend this room better than the hallway!
Ularon: I could be a trap-
Bria: I’ve got the rear. Ularon and Rulah, get the front.
Ularon: But what if-
Gahncai: The statues in here have gemstones!
Ularon: Those are definitely warded!
Gahncai: The stones were warded!
Rulah: Are you all seriously in on this bet?
Bria: It’s fun! And it’s always a good idea to keep a low profile.
Gahncai: Besides, I don’t need spells to smell those goblins behind us.
Ularon: *hrmph* I don’t need spells to know the goblins are actually hiding in the darkness ahead.
Rulah: Do you two need a spell to tell you we’ve been flanked by goblins?
Last week I wrote about Keyforge and its intriguing attempt to “fix” Magic. I want it to succeed, but it won’t. Nothing will ever supplant Magic as the grindy, pay-to-win king of the CCG genre. It’s got too much market share and the pay-to-win stuff is a feature, not a bug, for the most committed players. There are ways to create something better than Magic though.
I’m committed to Dead Parents Dungeon right now—
—shut up, I am—
—and even though I’m too lazy to do any actual work on it, I take that commitment seriously enough that I’m not getting into it too deeply.
Only a little bit.
Ideally, it’d be electronic. A lot of the bitch is based on real, physical cards, so why electronic? Electronic cards can be changed. A card that costs 5 to play today can cost 4 tomorrow. Imagine grouping cards by seasons and shifting their power up or down four times a year (if by some unlikely chance a Magic developer is reading this, you’ll have to imagine it with a lot of aspirin). Is this card valuable now? No. But it could be.
Good ol’ Lightning Bolt
Magic believes in bad cards. I believe in cards that are good in certain contexts; Lightning Bolt is a solid card when your opponent starts with twenty life and you can put 4 of them into a 60-card deck. In Commander, when your opponent starts with forty life and you have 1 Lightning Bolt in 99 cards, it’s garbage.
So Richard Garfield and Fantasy Flight Games are releasing a card game called Keyforge, colon no one ever gives a damn what happens after the colon.
It’s your standard, proto-Magic: the Gathering game. I guess when you invent the Customizable Card Game genre, people will care about what comes after the colon.
You play creatures and artifacts, tap them to attack and work to get enough points to win the game. It’s not a knock-off and I don’t want to leave you with the impression that it is. Creatures tap for points(amber) and they attack one another to stop your opponents from getting points. The rock/paper/scissors interaction of Magic removal is one of my complaints with it and I like this system. In the Battletech CCG, anything could be attacked—even ‘event’ cards.
Here’s all the tokens and accessories. Man, I hope that’s all of them.
You use amber to forge up to three keys—hence the name—and the third one wins you the game. It’s similar to Magic’s life system, but it’s probably a bit more interactive; the rules extensively cover creatures temporarily stealing amber and some cards’ effects depend on which of your keys have been forged. I prefer the card-based progress systems of Pokemon and Duel Masters, but that interactivity is good.