Somewhere else, another time
Gahncai: “Three aces. I win.”
Luke: “Really? ‘cause Geoff has an ace over there and Tan has an ace over there.”
Gahncai: Yes. And I have THREE aces, so I win the hand.
Tan: *sigh* count ‘em.
Gahncai: one, two, three, fooour…oh. There’s too many.
Gahncai: One of you must be cheating. I should take my money and–
Geoff: Are you stupid or something? You’ve got two aces o’ spades.
Gahncai: I’m not…’book smart.’
*Many years ago*
Lila: Bria, honey, I think it’s adorable that you’ve given our servants the night off so you can serve my parents yourself, but…
Bria: Look, I’m undead now and I still love you. We’ll make this work.
Lila, *kisses her*: Please get the plates. There are thirteen members of my immediate family and we’ll need three plates each, plus a bowl and a silverware set. Plus two for us.
Bria: I’ll be right back.
Lila: Also, remember to be careful about what you say to my mother; you know she’s sensitive about her weight.
Bria: Of course.
*Bria enters the kitchen and sees a
towering pile of dishes*
Bria: So…three for every thirteen and…um…wait.
Gahncai: So do humans do anything?
Gahncai: The living ones. Are they useful?
Ularon: They can’t breathe underwater or swim well.
Bria: I don’t miss shitting or sweating.
Ularon: Sweating. When Rulah first told me about that, I thought she was making it up.
Rulah: Humans can do math, assholes.
Bria, Rulah, Ularon: …
Bria: I miss math. 🙁
Rulah: Ugh. What is that? It smells like someone stretched out horseskin and forgot to make leather.
Gahncai: That’s me. It’s something dogesires can do.
Gahncai: That monster was choking us! The bet says we can’t raise our moxes, so…
Ularon: It was choking you two. I breathe though the water in my robes.
Bria: I’m undead. I don’t breathe.
Rulah: And let me guess-
Gahncai: I have the lung capacity of a hippo.
Rulah: What was in that room?
Ghancai: Tentacle monster. Cool cups.
Rulah: Cool cups?
*Ghancai reaches into his bag and takes out a jeweled cup.*
Rulah: Damn, that’s a cool cup.
Bria: My hand’s here Rulah. Ghancai, lift the door, would you?
Rulah: Thanks Bria. Are you three okay?
Bria: Better than we look.
Rulah: YOU look like death warmed over.
Bria: Well, we’re doing WAY better than *I* look.
Bria: I’ll need one of those tapestries to clean my sword.
Ghancai: But they’re worth so much in Alguienn!
Ularon, in Piscean: Student.
Rulah, in Piscean: Teacher
Bria: Is that you under these doors, Rulah?
Ularon: Did you use fire, Student?
Rulah, *throwing a modest gout of flame from her hands*: “Fire!”
Rulah, *patting herself out*: “Ah! Damn! Fire-reflective doors!”
Rulah: “What about…the hinges!”
*She shoots fire at the edge of the doors.*
Rulah, with a self-satisfied smirk: “A few seconds of heat and you’re reduced to a useless creaking hea–”
*The heavy, metal doors fall forward on her*
Rulah, in clear Piscean from under the doors:“Fuck.”
*Outside the doors Ularon, Gahncai, and Bria entered.*
Rulah *pulling on the doors*: “Are you guys okay?”
Rulah *in Picean so deeply accented as to be unintelligible*: “???!”
*Muted sounds of scuffling can be heard through the door.*
Rulah, *to herself*: “It’s okay. It’s fine. You’re the only one out here. Use a spell. Open the door. Stay calm. Just pick a spell.”
Rulah: “…no one’s here.”
Rulah, grinning broadly: “I can use fire.”
Bria: I *ack* can’t do anything to these tentacles! It’s *cough* undead!
Gahncai: Isn’t your dark magic good again–*ugrgh* undead?
Bria: Dark magic can’t be good against undead AND good *urk* against the living to MAKE them dead! That makes *winces in pain* no sense!
Ularon: Then it would just be good at everything.
Brian: Ex–*argh*–actly. Can’t one of YOU do something?
Ularon: I can read its mind…
Ularon: …it wants to crush us with its tentacles.
Gahncai: I can emit an off–*urgh* offensive musk in a 10 meter range.
Ularon: Radius or diameter?
Bria: You did *ungh* that on Celdon. Do NOT do it–
Ularon: Great Knowledge of the Deep! What is wrong with you air dwellers!? It’s like an incontinent whale beached itself!
Brian: If you make me vomit while being choked, I will kill you, Gahncai!
Gahncai: Oh, so dark magic is harmless against evil, but still works against your friends?
Brian: That’s *hrrgh* EXACTLY how dark magic works!