Rulah: Gahncai, open this door. We can defend this room better than the hallway!
Ularon: I could be a trap-
Bria: I’ve got the rear. Ularon and Rulah, get the front.
Ularon: But what if-
Gahncai: The statues in here have gemstones!
Ularon: Those are definitely warded!
Gahncai: The stones were warded!
Rulah: Are you all seriously in on this bet?
Bria: It’s fun! And it’s always a good idea to keep a low profile.
Gahncai: Besides, I don’t need spells to smell those goblins behind us.
Ularon: *hrmph* I don’t need spells to know the goblins are actually hiding in the darkness ahead.
Rulah: Do you two need a spell to tell you we’ve been flanked by goblins?
Metallurgist: 15,000 skorvans is a lot. I’ll need to arrange safe storage, confer with a blacksmith, and speak to a lawyer to draw up a payment plan.
Gahncai: I’ll need to confer with my people as well.
Gahncai: So, for a total of 15,000 minus a 2.5% half pay on neutral storage costs paid over 48 months is 300 point 68 skorvans per month.
Human street urchin: Nonono, you’re gettin’ screwed, guv. It should be 304.68 per month, minus my consultancy fee of 5 skorvans per month, paid up-front in a lump sum of about 340 skorvans. Rounded down, of course.
Gahncai: Of course.
Gahncai: You’re a lifesaver, kid.
Geoff: Y’r built like a labrador fucked a boulder, but there’s three of us, and you–don’t have a knife.
the plane of Caden, later
Gahncai: I know it’s late. Is the metallurgist in?
Metallurgist: For you, traveler? I’m always in. Put it on the table.
Gahncai: Okay, but the bag isn’t for sale.
Metallurgist: Of course. Hitlaew est
Metallurgist: The coins are gold-plated. Copper mixed with something very unusual. Fascinating. 15,000 skorvans.
Metallurgist: *sigh* The knife is worthless, but I’ll pay you 5 skorvans to throw it in the trash right now and wipe the blood off my table.
Somewhere else, another time
Gahncai: “Three aces. I win.”
Luke: “Really? ‘cause Geoff has an ace over there and Tan has an ace over there.”
Gahncai: Yes. And I have THREE aces, so I win the hand.
Tan: *sigh* count ‘em.
Gahncai: one, two, three, fooour…oh. There’s too many.
Gahncai: One of you must be cheating. I should take my money and–
Geoff: Are you stupid or something? You’ve got two aces o’ spades.
Gahncai: I’m not…’book smart.’
*Fifteen minutes later*
*Bria exits the kitchen with armfuls of plates and bowls and cups, in piles tall enough to obscure her vision.*
Bria: I think this should be enough to feed your family.
Lila: Oh my god.
Lila’s Mom: Well, I never!
Bria: No, wait! Don’t leave–
Bria: Undead can’t do math. 🙁
*Many years ago*
Lila: Bria, honey, I think it’s adorable that you’ve given our servants the night off so you can serve my parents yourself, but…
Bria: Look, I’m undead now and I still love you. We’ll make this work.
Lila, *kisses her*: Please get the plates. There are thirteen members of my immediate family and we’ll need three plates each, plus a bowl and a silverware set. Plus two for us.
Bria: I’ll be right back.
Lila: Also, remember to be careful about what you say to my mother; you know she’s sensitive about her weight.
Bria: Of course.
*Bria enters the kitchen and sees a
towering pile of dishes*
Bria: So…three for every thirteen and…um…wait.
Gahncai: So do humans do anything?
Gahncai: The living ones. Are they useful?
Ularon: They can’t breathe underwater or swim well.
Bria: I don’t miss shitting or sweating.
Ularon: Sweating. When Rulah first told me about that, I thought she was making it up.
Rulah: Humans can do math, assholes.
Bria, Rulah, Ularon: …
Bria: I miss math. 🙁
Rulah: Ugh. What is that? It smells like someone stretched out horseskin and forgot to make leather.
Gahncai: That’s me. It’s something dogesires can do.
Gahncai: That monster was choking us! The bet says we can’t raise our moxes, so…
Ularon: It was choking you two. I breathe though the water in my robes.
Bria: I’m undead. I don’t breathe.
Rulah: And let me guess-
Gahncai: I have the lung capacity of a hippo.
Rulah: What was in that room?
Ghancai: Tentacle monster. Cool cups.
Rulah: Cool cups?
*Ghancai reaches into his bag and takes out a jeweled cup.*
Rulah: Damn, that’s a cool cup.