A Lair Somewhere

All posts tagged A Lair Somewhere

Ularon: It’s important to feel their—
Rulah: Hrah! Busy punching, Teacher. Hrah!
Goblin: Skreee!
Ularon: As am I. The Drophan-Bo technique combines one’s mind and body with the timing and mindset of the enemy and—
Goblin: GOBLIN CATAPULT!
Ularon: pfurgh!
Rulah: Ularon?
Goblin: Shah!
Rulah: Fire fist!
Goblin: Skreee!

Rulah: Gahncai, open this door. We can defend this room better than the hallway!

Ularon: I could be a trap-

Bria: I’ve got the rear. Ularon and Rulah, get the front.

Ularon: But what if-

Gahncai: The statues in here have gemstones!

Ularon: Those are definitely warded!

Gemstone: ZZzzzap!

Gahncai: The stones were warded!

THE PRESENT

Rulah: Are you all seriously in on this bet?

Bria: It’s fun! And it’s always a good idea to keep a low profile.

Gahncai: Besides, I don’t need spells to smell those goblins behind us.

Ularon: *hrmph* I don’t need spells to know the goblins are actually hiding in the darkness ahead.

Rulah: Do you two need a spell to tell you we’ve been flanked by goblins?

Metallurgist: 15,000 skorvans is a lot. I’ll need to arrange safe storage, confer with a blacksmith, and speak to a lawyer to draw up a payment plan.

Gahncai: I’ll need to confer with my people as well.

LATER

Gahncai: So, for a total of 15,000 minus a 2.5% half pay on neutral storage costs paid over 48 months is 300 point 68 skorvans per month.

Human street urchin: Nonono, you’re gettin’ screwed, guv. It should be 304.68 per month, minus my consultancy fee of 5 skorvans per month, paid up-front in a lump sum of about 340 skorvans. Rounded down, of course.

Gahncai: Of course.

Gahncai: You’re a lifesaver, kid.

Geoff: Y’r built like a labrador fucked a boulder, but there’s three of us, and you–don’t have a knife.

the plane of Caden, later

Gahncai: I know it’s late. Is the metallurgist in?

Metallurgist: For you, traveler? I’m always in. Put it on the table.

Gahncai: Okay, but the bag isn’t for sale.

Metallurgist: Of course. Hitlaew est

Metallurgist: Hmm…

Metallurgist: The coins are gold-plated. Copper mixed with something very unusual. Fascinating. 15,000 skorvans.

Ghancai: …and?

Metallurgist: *sigh* The knife is worthless, but I’ll pay you 5 skorvans to throw it in the trash right now and wipe the blood off my table.

Somewhere else, another time

Gahncai: “Three aces. I win.”

Luke: “Really? ‘cause Geoff has an ace over there and Tan has an ace over there.”

Gahncai: Yes. And I have THREE aces, so I win the hand.

Tan: *sigh* count ‘em.

Gahncai: one, two, three, fooour…oh. There’s too many.

Gahncai: One of you must be cheating. I should take my money and–

Geoff: Are you stupid or something? You’ve got two aces o’ spades.

Gahncai: …

Gahncai: I’m not…’book smart.’

*Fifteen minutes later*

*Bria exits the kitchen with armfuls of plates and bowls and cups, in piles tall enough to obscure her vision.*

Bria: I think this should be enough to feed your family.

Lila: Oh my god.

Lila’s Mom: Well, I never!

Bria: No, wait! Don’t leave–

*Door slams.*

Bria: Undead can’t do math. 🙁

*Many years ago*

Lila: Bria, honey, I think it’s adorable that you’ve given our servants the night off so you can serve my parents yourself, but…

Bria: Look, I’m undead now and I still love you. We’ll make this work.

Lila, *kisses her*: Please get the plates. There are thirteen members of my immediate family and we’ll need three plates each, plus a bowl and a silverware set. Plus two for us.

Bria: I’ll be right back.

Lila: Also, remember to be careful about what you say to my mother; you know she’s sensitive about her weight.

Bria: Of course.

*Bria enters the kitchen and sees a towering pile of dishes*

Bria: So…three for every thirteen and…um…wait.