A Lair Somewhere

*Fifteen minutes later*

*Bria exits the kitchen with armfuls of plates and bowls and cups, in piles tall enough to obscure her vision.*

Bria: I think this should be enough to feed your family.

Lila: Oh my god.

Lila’s Mom: Well, I never!

Bria: No, wait! Don’t leave–

*Door slams.*

Bria: Undead can’t do math. 🙁

*Many years ago, Norphalia*

Lila: Bria, honey, I think it’s adorable that you’ve given our servants the night off so you can serve my parents yourself, but…

Bria: Look, I’m undead now and I still love you. We’ll make this work.

Lila, *kisses her*: Please get the plates. There are thirteen members of my immediate family and we’ll need three plates each, plus a bowl and a silverware set. Plus two for us.

Bria: I’ll be right back.

Lila: Just–just remember be careful about what you say to my mother tonight; you know she’s sensitive about her weight.

Bria: Of course.

*Bria enters the kitchen and sees a towering pile of dishes*

Bria: So…three for every thirteen and…um…wait.

Gahncai: So do humans do anything?

Bria: Hey!

Gahncai: The living ones. Are they useful?

Ularon: They can’t breathe underwater or swim well.

Rulah: Well…

Bria: I don’t miss shitting or sweating.

Rulah: Y’know–

Ularon: Sweating. When Rulah first told me about that, I thought she was making it up.

Rulah: Humans can do math, assholes.

Bria, Rulah, Ularon: …

Ularon: Damn.

Gahncai: Weird.

Bria: I miss math. 🙁

Rulah: Ugh. What is that? It smells like someone stretched out horseskin and forgot to make leather.

Gahncai: That’s me. It’s something dogesires can do.

Rulah: Gross.

Gahncai: That monster was choking us! The bet says we can’t raise our moxes, so…

Ularon: It was choking you two. I breathe though the water in my robes.

Bria: I’m undead. I don’t breathe.

Rulah: And let me guess-

Gahncai: I have the lung capacity of a hippo.

Rulah: Obviously.

A Lair Somewhere #06

Bria: My hand’s here Rulah. Ghancai, lift the door, would you?

Rulah: Thanks Bria. Are you three okay?

Bria: Better than we look.

Rulah: YOU look like death warmed over.

Bria: Well, we’re doing WAY better than *I* look.

A Lair Somewhere #05

Bria: I’ll need one of those tapestries to clean my sword.

Ghancai: But they’re worth so much in Alguienn!

Ularon, in Piscean: Student.

Rulah, in Piscean: Teacher

Bria: Is that you under these doors, Rulah?

Rulah: Yes

Ularon: Did you use fire, Student?

Rulah: …yes.

A Lair Somewhere #04

Rulah, *throwing a modest gout of flame from her hands*: “Fire!”

Rulah, *patting herself out*: “Ah! Damn! Fire-reflective doors!”

Rulah: “What about…the hinges!”

*She shoots fire at the edge of the doors.*

Rulah, with a self-satisfied smirk: “A few seconds of heat and you’re reduced to a useless creaking hea–”

*The heavy, metal doors fall forward on her*

Rulah, in clear Piscean from under the doors:“Fuck.”

A Lair Somewhere #03

*Outside the doors Ularon, Gahncai, and Bria entered.*

Rulah *pulling on the doors*: “Are you guys okay?”

Rulah *in Picean so deeply accented as to be unintelligible*: “???!”

*Muted sounds of scuffling can be heard through the door.*

Rulah, *to herself*: “It’s okay. It’s fine. You’re the only one out here. Use a spell. Open the door. Stay calm. Just pick a spell.”

Rulah: “…no one’s here.”

Rulah, grinning broadly: “I can use fire.”

A Lair Somewhere #02

Bria: I *ack* can’t do anything to these tentacles! It’s *cough* undead!

Gahncai: Isn’t your dark magic good again–*ugrgh* undead?

Bria: Dark magic can’t be good against undead AND good *urk* against the living to MAKE them dead! That makes *winces in pain* no sense!

Ularon: Then it would just be good at everything.

Brian: Ex–*argh*–actly. Can’t one of YOU do something?

Ularon: I can read its mind…

Ularon: …it wants to crush us with its tentacles.

Gahncai: I can emit an off–*urgh* offensive musk in a 10 meter range.

Ularon: Radius or diameter?

Bria: You did *ungh* that on Celdon. Do NOT do it–

Ularon: Great Knowledge of the Deep! What is wrong with you air dwellers!? It’s like an incontinent whale beached itself!

Brian: If you make me vomit while being choked, I will kill you, Gahncai!

Gahncai: Oh, so dark magic is harmless against evil, but still works against your friends?

Brian: That’s *hrrgh* EXACTLY how dark magic works!